It may be the dreary past couple of days, that feeling of life winding down for the winter. But I have found myself thinking about how my life is at the moment and the impact of being chronically ill for five years and the effect it has had on me and my family. On the positive side I have found myself exploring new crafts, reading blogs on subjects from crafting to healing to spirituality. But I can't deny my life has changed in ways I would never have thought, I can no longer drive or work, I miss my sense of independence. I now have to rely on others to take me somewhere and I am financially dependent on my husband as I am not entitled to benefits because he works. Don't get me wrong our wages always went into a joint account anyway, but this is the 21st century and it bothers me that I am treated as an appendage to my husband. I have always worked, whether full time or part time, fitting around my family, I didn't have a grand career or a profession. But I enjoyed working, not just because of the money, but because of the friendships I had. I contributed national insurance from being 16, so why am I not entitled to it now, the death of the welfare state seems to hover over all of us.
It isn't just me my illness has affected, my family have been put under pressure too. Paul stresses out over money, he tries to do things around the house to help. He works full time though and can't do everything, he said to me recently that he 'could tell I was really ill because the house was filthy' and then back tracked rapidly saying 'no that's the wrong word, I mean untidy and a bit dusty'. Bless him but he always manages to say the wrong thing! But I know what he means, I have to decide what I can do in any one day. Sometimes (in fact most times) I do too much and end up so ill I can't get out of bed. However, I can only stand the dust for so long or have to clean the bath because I want to get in a clean one when I have a shower, even if no-one else does!
It has had a massive impact on my kids as well. They may not be children anymore, being 19 and 20, but they miss the mum they grew up with. The mum who could do anything, who used to chuck them in the car and drive to York for a day out. The mum who helped at Brownies and took them to Cubs. It's not just me who's had to change, everyone else has as well and that leads me to the thorn in my soul, the thing I suffer from that isn't always visible, depression. I suffer from ME/CFS, Menieres and Fibro, but depression crept in there as I became progressively more ill. It's as though I can talk to people about my illness but we don't mention depression do we. It still gets talked about in hushed voices and people soon change the subject. Why is mental illness such a taboo subject? I suffer from depression and take medication for it, will this stop you reading my blog? People seemed surprised that I have depression as I always seem happy, but I just hide it well. To start with it was incredibly hard to ask for help, I am intelligent, independent, creative, I could cope on my own. But I couldn't, when I ended up sat in the middle of the bed sobbing, not being able to let anyone near me, in actual physical pain from the depression, I knew I needed help and I finally asked for it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, admitting there was something I couldn't cope with, I who prided myself on being able to cope with everything. I had hid my depression, it was mine to deal with, it felt as though no-one else noticed, I carried on as normal until it got to the point where I could not physically move.
That was four years ago and although I am now back in control, I still have days when the depression appears out of nowhere. There doesn't have to be a reason for it, although stress doesn't help and I know it's something I will always have to live with. So that's the thorn in my soul, the thing that's hidden but always there. Crafting has done as much for my mental health as any pills, the things I make may not always be brilliant and I don't make to sell. But every penny spent on crafting goodies has been worth it. I wish I could be on that market stall with my sister chatting to all of you, becoming a part of what you make. So this blog is my way of connecting to the wider world and if no-one reads it it doesn't matter because I enjoy writing it and that is what matters.
My blogs won't always be so deep and philosophical, but I know I am not the only person out there who is physically or mentally ill. So yes it is alright to speak out and say 'do you know what I have problems', maybe we all just need to relearn the skill of being good listeners. If you have never tried any form of art or craft please try one, I cannot recommend it enough. So now I have that off my chest I am off to find a project to share with you, something cheerful. I'll get the camera out and document it as I go along, we'll share the good things in life as well as those darker days.
Thinking of you all with a smile on my face,
all my love
Louise xx
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